I totally cracked up when I heard about Dick Cheney's diva list
. I love the part about the 4 cans of Diet Sprite--way to treat yourself, Dick.
When all 3 of the kids started crying following a scuffle over the toy shopping cart, I tried to go to my Happy Place (you know, the one where I'm lying on the couch in a silent house eating Dove chocolate and drinking Diet Coke). Instead, I found myself considering what items I'd list in my own rider. As I comforted my cranky toddlers, I decided I'd need these things for the ideal diva hotel experience:
1. cable TV. Sweet! Here at home, we get ~5 channels, but only the 2 in Spanish come in clearly. Y'all know I loves me some TLC and Discovery Channel!
2. the semen-coated bedspread to be removed from the room; I don't even want to see it. (A few years ago I saw some stupid expose on the filthiness of hotel rooms, and now I'm scared of hotel bedspreads.)
3. a shitload of Diet Coke, obviously.
4. equally obviously: chocolate. I don't care what kind, as long as it's not that cheap-ass Palmer's.
5. fancy bath and beauty products so I can take a bath without having to clean the tub later.
6. at least 5 books from my request list at the Worcester Public Library. I might not read them all, but I'll rest easier knowing they're there.
7. some high-end yarn and wooden knitting needles for another scarf. Most knitters abandon Scarf World once they learn more complex garments, but I love
knitting scarves. The repetition is so relaxing! If you want a scarf (and you're a friend of mine; no cyber-stalkers need apply), please let me know. I'd be happy to knit you one.
And that's it! The funny part is that Petunia and I are going away to a conference next weekend (Canada
will be there, too), and I'll be packing every single item on that list from numbers 3 through 7. Sadly, I'll have to touch the jiz-soaked bedspread myself, but the cable TV will be my compensation.
Looking back, this started out as a fantasy diva rider, but it turned into a "jesus, I'm an even bigger tool than I realized" list. Good times!
What items would you list in your own diva rider?