Friday, March 24, 2006

Easy rider

I totally cracked up when I heard about Dick Cheney's diva list. I love the part about the 4 cans of Diet Sprite--way to treat yourself, Dick.

When all 3 of the kids started crying following a scuffle over the toy shopping cart, I tried to go to my Happy Place (you know, the one where I'm lying on the couch in a silent house eating Dove chocolate and drinking Diet Coke). Instead, I found myself considering what items I'd list in my own rider. As I comforted my cranky toddlers, I decided I'd need these things for the ideal diva hotel experience:

1. cable TV. Sweet! Here at home, we get ~5 channels, but only the 2 in Spanish come in clearly. Y'all know I loves me some TLC and Discovery Channel!
2. the semen-coated bedspread to be removed from the room; I don't even want to see it. (A few years ago I saw some stupid expose on the filthiness of hotel rooms, and now I'm scared of hotel bedspreads.)
3. a shitload of Diet Coke, obviously.
4. equally obviously: chocolate. I don't care what kind, as long as it's not that cheap-ass Palmer's.
5. fancy bath and beauty products so I can take a bath without having to clean the tub later.
6. at least 5 books from my request list at the Worcester Public Library. I might not read them all, but I'll rest easier knowing they're there.
7. some high-end yarn and wooden knitting needles for another scarf. Most knitters abandon Scarf World once they learn more complex garments, but I love knitting scarves. The repetition is so relaxing! If you want a scarf (and you're a friend of mine; no cyber-stalkers need apply), please let me know. I'd be happy to knit you one.

And that's it! The funny part is that Petunia and I are going away to a conference next weekend (Canada will be there, too), and I'll be packing every single item on that list from numbers 3 through 7. Sadly, I'll have to touch the jiz-soaked bedspread myself, but the cable TV will be my compensation.


Looking back, this started out as a fantasy diva rider, but it turned into a "jesus, I'm an even bigger tool than I realized" list. Good times!

What items would you list in your own diva rider?


Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

Honey, you? A tool? I think not.
But you forgot the vodka! I am sad.
I am also sad the con isn't HERE. We miss you guys.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Clementine said...

We miss you, too! But I don't miss the vodka--even a small amount hurts my stomach. See what I mean? Tool.

2:27 PM  
Anonymous Jenny PP said...

Oh and don't even discuss Gin. That's not on the AJWP-to-drink list.

On my list I would have:

1. a fully stocked bar with a bartender who knows how to make all girly drinks of which I would sample whatever struck my fancy
2. unlimited animal crackers (bigger tool than AJWP alert!)
3. unlimited diet dr. pepper
4. unlimited M&Ms PLAIN ONLY
5. about 8 pounds of seedless grapes
6. flannel pjs
7. the temperature set to 68 degrees (just like Dick!)
8. at least one scarf knit by AJWP

Also, I too am an addict to scarves - because they are quick and fun and I like having about 50 to choose from, not to mention too many of my friends still don't have a scarf made by me. I also cheat and crochet more than I knit... which is faster... means even more scarves!

3:01 PM  
Blogger Clementine said...

Sweet, Jane! I forgot to put my flannel jammies on the list; I'll have to add a rider to my rider. And PK, you never said what you'd list. Inquiring minds want to know.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Hashbrown said...

Ya got the biggest cow in the state right behind ya.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Hashbrown said...

Actually, My list is as follows.
1. 68 degrees
2. Cable TV with good movie channels, SciFi channel, and Shark Week on Discovery
3. A nicely appointed, good smelling, clean room with fitted sheets, not flat sheets barely tucked in so that they come out with every move you make.
4. A good room service menu
5. Fresh cookies delivered (As at the Magnolia in Denver)
6. A big bathroom with a big tub with jets and the Body Shop bath and lotion products
7. Excellend Scotch and Irish Whiskey and soda
8. Bottled Water
9. Coffee maker and Starbucks coffee and real 1/2 and 1/2
10. Dick Cheney picking up the tab!!!

9:28 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

Ooh, more vodka for me!
Ok, list...
1. The Vodka, with mixers. And by all means, let's make it a full bar to include the Scotch and the Baileys. I'm all inclusive.
2. A massage person
3. A variety of salty foods, to include mixed nuts (sans peanuts) and chips
4. A variety of yummy foods, to include HobNobs and Dove chocolate bars (both kinds)
5. Oh, all right, some vegetables and shit
6. Fancy bottled water, fizzy and not
7. Adequate cushy seating for 10, including at least one good napping couch.
8. A nanny
9. Good yummy coffee and lots of shmoffee to go with
10. A wireless connection

3:07 AM  

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