National Adoption Day

We got word today that we'll be finalizing Hester's adoption on Friday, November 16--National Adoption Day. I'm not looking forward to it. I'd hoped that we could do something small, something that would honor the solemnity of the occasion as well as the mixed emotions that the day will surely bring. I'd hoped it would be just Ms. Stork (our social worker), our little family, and the judge. Instead, we're going to have Adoptionpalooza! complete with arts and crafts, a community breakfast, and a press conference "to celebrate all the adopting families."

It just feels wrong to me.

I wonder what Hester will think of this day in years to come. Will she think it's cool that there was such a to-do on the day she legally joined our family, or will she be angry that such fuss was made on such a bittersweet day? Hard to say.

In the meantime, I wish we trusted the placing agency enough to tell them what we really want. Knowing them, it's better to go along with the carnival of National Adoption Day than to fight for our own small, private adoption day. November 16 is the soonest day we'd be able to adopt Hester, so that's what we'll do. We'll make it legal like some tacky Vegas wedding, then we'll get the hell out of there.

Our first Mother's Day

Our first Mother's Day was truly wonderful. Petunia and I went all out for each other, and many of our friends and family remembered us as well. That part was surprising and unexpectedly sweet--it was great to hear the words "Happy Mother's Day" from everyone. We were so happy to celebrate each other and our miraculous little daughter on Sunday.

We also celebrated Ariana on Mother's Day. We spoke with her that evening and learned that she loved the package we'd sent to her--thankfully, she received it on time. We also got to say "Happy Mother's Day" to Hester's first mother for the very first time. It was a blessing beyond blessings.

Happy belated Mother's Day to all.

Thinking of Ariana

As Mother's Day approaches, I find that Ariana is always in my thoughts.

Though we'd known about Ariana and her family since the end of November, we only met her in person a few days before Hester's birth. She was very clear that she wanted us to be present during her baby's delivery, an act of kindness and generosity that astounded us (still does, in fact). We were honored to assist Ariana during her labor and delivery and we were so happy to meet Hester the very moment she came into the world. We met Bobby and Tyler at Hester's birth, too. Side note: It is an amazing and wonderful thing to know that Hester looks exactly like her brother Tyler.

Both families cared for Hester during the first week of her hospitalization, and after Ariana and Bobby signed their TPR papers they continued to stay involved in her care. However, as the days stretched into weeks and Hester continued to be hospitalized, Ariana and Bobby's life grew even more stressful than it had been before her birth. Without going into detail, they lost the few supports they had in the area and decided to move to the west coast to stay with Ariana's family. The last time I spoke with Ariana, they were leaving for Western State the very next day. She said that although she wanted to stop by the hospital to say goodbye to Hester and to us, she wasn't sure she'd be able to do it.

It's been a little over 2 months since we heard anything at all from Hester's first family. Ariana and Bobby have all of our contact information, so we know they will be in touch with us if and/or when they can. We send them letters and pictures through their social worker, but I wish we were in touch in other ways as well. I also wish I had some cues from them about this relationship, but I guess I just have to trust my own instincts: More pictures; more information too. Special packages for Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Christmas. I put myself in Ariana's place as best I can and think of the things I know about her, and I hope and pray I'm not fucking this up. Will I know if I am, though? I want to do right by her, and by Bobby and Tyler too.

A small update

On Sunday Baby was moved from the nursery to the NICU. We've spent every moment we can with her. She's starting to be very sick, but it's nothing that we hadn't anticipated. It's very hard to watch her go through this, but she will get through it. She's an amazingly strong little girl who has lots of love, support, and skilled nursing to help her recover.

I have been reluctant to post anything of substance because this baby is still not our daughter. Her parents assure us at every turn that they plan to sign this week, but it's difficult for them to coordinate their schedules/lives to do that during normal work hours. We've been parenting her since her birth and her parents have given us free access to her at the hospital, but we don't have any legal power. It's been so very stressful, but every moment with the baby is a blessing beyond blessings. We try to stay patient and not let our fears get the best of us. Mostly we do fine, but occasionally we get overwhelmed.

Today we're home from the NICU; I have to work and Petunia has to run to the parents' adoption agency to pick up tons of paperwork. We'll head back to the hospital after work and we'll probably stay the night again. I'll post again when I know something more, but in the meantime please keep us, the baby's parents, and BabyGirl herself in your thoughts and prayers. All of us can use all the good thoughts we can get.

Issues

Alrighty then. I'm getting back into the swing of things, for better or worse. I'm busy with the kids today and have errands to run tonight; same old same old as far as all that's concerned. Anything's better than spending the day in the bathroom, that's for sure.

Here's what's giving me pause right now: Well-meaning people keep telling us to sleep while we still can. I know that's great advice, but I swear to you it's making me anxious about sleeping! I'm usually a great sleeper; I normally fall asleep easily and sleep straight through till morning. This week, all I've done is stared at the ceiling while telling myself, "You really need to get to sleep! You're going to regret not sleeping now, while you still can!" Issues. Many, many issues.

And another thing: On Tuesday, the baby's mother very generously gave us 3 ultrasound pictures of this baby! Since Tuesday all I want to do is look at those pictures. One of them was taken just days ago on January 4, and it shows her profile beautifully. I've also seen pictures of 2 of her brothers, and of course we met her mother in person. I can't stop wondering what this precious baby will look like. I think she's going to be absolutely beautiful.*

That's the scoop from here. Any advice for me? As long as you don't tell me to sleep while I still can, I'm all ears.

*Can parents tell if they have an ugly baby, though? Don't all parents think their baby is beautiful, or is that one of those great myths of parenthood? I'd been worried that I wouldn't like the look of this baby, but now I'm worried that I'll like the look of her too much and do nothing but stare at her all the time like a crazed psycho stalker.

Our first meeting

We met Ariana last night. It was wonderful to meet her! It was surreal and overwhelming, but very very good. I don't want to say too much more than that, but we might get together again this weekend if her schedule allows.

Blessings!

Pausing to reflect

I'm reflecting on how very different this Situation is from the one we expected. I feel grateful, sad, and overjoyed all at once. Hella scared, too. I guess that's a good thing.

I've been knitting like a fiend, too. We're making a scarf for each member of the baby's family from the same yarn we used for a hat for the baby, and all of these things need to be done by the baby's due date. Right now I'm working on the scarf for her father; the scarf for her mom is done. I hope there's enough time to work up a scarf for her brother, too.

I think about the baby's family all the time. I hope and pray we're doing right by them. It's really scary because the stakes are so high and there's little room for error. It's hard, too, because we'd expected such a different relationship with our baby's first family if we'd ended up with a DSS Situation. Things are even more complicated because of this baby's family's particular situation. I wish I could say more about it because I'd really like some feedback. Does anyone know of a more anonymous place (more anonymous than blogville, anyway) where adoption triad members can ask questions and talk with one another? I would really welcome that information.

You know what's funny? I'm being surprisingly even-keeled (for me) about all of this. I feel pretty proud of myself--I think I'm keeping things in perspective, not being overly dramatic, and not letting my emotions get the best of me. I haven't cried or carried on (though I've come close), and Petunia and I are taking good care of each other. All bets are off once the baby's born, but right now I'm doing okay.

Some news

Ariana is dilated 4 cm, though she's not in labor. Her due date has been moved up to January 15. She'll call us tonight after her ultrasound, and she wants us to keep our cell phones on and with us at all times. This little baby is on the move.

Gratefulness displaces anger

After writing several nasty letters to folks who deserved them, I rallied late yesterday afternoon. By the time Petunia's and my Christmas celebration rolled around at 7:30pm, I was ready to party.

Petunia and I always have a private Christmas together. In fact, we got engaged 6 years ago at our personal Christmas celebration. The whole tradition means a lot to both of us, and we love sitting on the floor by the tree and opening the gifts we chose for each other. This year, like every year, I got seriously spoiled! Petunia has a knack for thoughtfulness and generosity, and I am always grateful to be the recipient of her kindness. She's the best!

Today I'm taking it easy; I'm having a much better day than yesterday. Ms. Stork called last night to say that the agency thinks we should go ahead with our travel plans, that there's no official indication that Ariana will go into labor early. She also said that the agency should be receiving updated prenatal records early next week. I'm very relieved; I've been so worried that we'd be in Charlotte when the baby is born. Since Ariana wants us at the hospital for the birth, I've been really scared that it would give her the wrong message (i.e., that we're not committed to her daughter) if we went off gallivanting around the country at such a precarious time. There's still a chance of early delivery, but it sounds like bed rest is doing the trick. Knock wood.

In other news, I just have one kid today, though 2 others stopped by briefly. One child came bearing wonderful gifts: homemade cookies, a perfectly splendid coffee mug he made at a paint-your-own-pottery studio, and a very generous tip from his parents! Lovely.

Happy holidays, y'all!

Meltdown city

I'm on my way to a meltdown, friends. Since we got the call about this Situation on November 29, I've held it together. I haven't cried or carried on once, and I've put one foot in front of the other to accomplish all the things that need to be accomplished if this baby is going to become our daughter. I sorted photos, wrote captions, made endless phone calls to doctors, stuck it out with Ms. Scary, leaned on Ms. Stork, didn't go berserk on Petunia, got too little sleep, found, applied for, and signed for a loan, and waited. And waited some more. And I did some of this all by myself, since Petunia has been away since last Thursday.

Petunia is coming home tonight, and it looks like I'll be driving out to Boston to pick her up. And I'm so tired, emotionally and physically. The closer she gets to being here, the more I feel the tears well behind my eyes.

Our friends and family have been so kind and caring, which adds to the feeling of impending meltdown. I was talking with Orca recently; he said that he and Beluga bought the baby a rattle in Target. Then yesterday we received the first gifts for the baby (though of course we told folks not to shop yet!). Seeing those things and knowing that our friends picked them out just for our Hester-to-be made me want to curl up in a ball and sob. Also yesterday, my mom said that she and my dad were out looking at infant clothes. And then today one of my kids' families gave Petunia and me some holiday gifts. Last year they gave us a very generous bookstore gift certificate and some funny post-it notes, so I was expecting something in the same vein. But when I opened the first box, I pulled out a wonderful, brightly-colored infant toy. I almost lost it again. And then when I opened the second box, I saw a whole little layette: 5 onesies, 2 pajamas, and a sweet little outfit. The accompanying note read: "We hope that you will be able to use these in the new year!" That time the tears did come, but I was able to stop them before the kids noticed anything wrong.

Of course, this is a stressful time of year anyway. Hello, holidays are a wee bit nutsy. And it's made worse by the fact that today is the last full-time day for one of my kids; I've known him since he was 3 months old and he's been with me full-time since he was 10 months old. He's leaving full-time care because his mom is having her 2nd baby and will be staying home, but he'll still come here once a week in the new year. I'm so glad I'll be able to see him then, but I'll miss having him around day in and day out. I've been frantic over creating a goodbye book for him, organizing a celebration day today, and getting his portfolio together for his leave-taking. It's a very sad thing, saying goodbye to him.

Now we have the stress of not knowing what to do for Christmas. I want to go to Charlotte, but if there's any indication that Ariana will deliver over the weekend, we'll be staying here. I wish that damned agency would get back to us with the OB's info so we can make our decision.

So. To sum up: tired, weepy, excited, scared, sad, joyful. Meltdown city.

Maybe she'll be a Capricorn?

Still no news, though now our social worker is on the case. I'll write more when I know more.

On a different note, a friend of ours with psychic powers told us that this baby will be born Saturday, December 23 at 11:17pm.

No news is good news, right?

No one from the agency has called back, which scared the crap out of me yesterday. Now that it's been over 24 hours since the original call, I'm doing a lot better re: worrying. Many, many thanks to all of our friends who called me to check in. Thanks also to the kind folks who commented on my last post. I really am okay, and I'm hopeful that Ariana and her daughter are, too.

So. Waiting again. I'll let you know when there are new developments. Thanks again for your well wishes and support.

Worry and waiting

I'm freaking out. Ariana's adoption agency called to say that her placenta abrupted and that she's being treated with steroids. I'm so worried for her health, and for the baby's health as well. I understand that she could deliver via emergency C-section at any time if her health and/or her baby's health starts to suffer.

The agency wants me to be available via phone at all times.

Did I mention that Petunia's in Colorado right now?

I don't like not knowing what's going on. I'm so worried.

The phone call

The only thing that prepared me for making this call is years of experience as a hotline rape crisis counselor. Because of that, I'm pretty good at cold-calling total strangers and talking about very personal things. But aside from the initial chatty hi-how-are-you stuff, this was all unchartered waters for me. I think for Ariana as well.

Our phone call was surreal but very very good. We had lots of eerie little things in common, odd things like the waterfall on the Smith campus that we both used to sit beside when we lived out that way. We "clicked," just like our social workers hoped we would. But even better, we respected each other's decisions, families, and circumstances. It felt honest and right.

This was the first conversation in what I hope will be a lifetime of conversations.

I don't want to talk too much about what we said to each other. Tonight I will take some time to put all that in a letter for the baby; I want her to be able to read it later on if she does become our daughter. But there were a couple of things of great significance to me that I can share with you: Ariana wants us to be at the hospital when the baby is born. And she has been requesting doubles of her ultrasound photos all along, which she wants to give to us for our photo album.

We couldn't be more blessed.

The mind boggles

Tonight we will talk on the phone with Ariana and Bobby. I can hardly believe it!

I'm reeling.

Thinking too much

I keep waiting for a call from Ms. Stork that's all, "April Fools! Sorry, suckahs!"

The phrase "too good to be true" flits through my mind a lot, too.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping like crazy that this baby girl will become our daughter. Example: This morning I applied for a loan so we can finance the adoption expenses. We were approved right away. I tried hard not to take that as a sign.

I think about the baby's parents all the time. About her brother. About what they'll tell him, about whether he understands what's happening. About whether we'll be able to know him in person rather than just in letters and photos. I'm so eager to meet him, to meet his parents. To hear what they hope for the future, which might well become our combined future.

I know a little about the family's situation, about why they made an adoption plan for their daughter. About why they're so certain they can't parent this baby. I have not yet met Ariana and Bobby, but I imagine myself in Ariana's shoes, then Bobby's and Tyler's. Their social worker says that Ariana and Bobby are completely committed to placing their baby for adoption. When I hear that, I feel grief-stricken and matter-of-fact all at once. I am learning in practice that adoption is loss, and that joy and sadness are flip sides of the same coin.

Good news!

We heard from Ms. Stork this morning that Ariana and Bobby loved our photo album and letter. Based on what they've seen of us, they think we'd be great parents for their daughter! We will speak with Ariana on the phone sometime this week, and either this Wednesday or next Wednesday we'll meet Ariana, her 4-y.o. son "Tyler," and maybe Bobby as well. Ms. Stork says it's all going v. well from her perspective; Ariana and Bobby are very enthusiastic about us, and we feel the same way about them. Things can change at any point, of course, but at least for now we're moving forward together.

With optimism this time!

So. We just heard back from Ms. Stork: So far, so good. Ariana likes the sound of us (!!!), and she'll receive our letter and photo album today from a social worker with her agency. FYI, we learned that it's Ariana calling the shots, not Bobby, though Bobby's definitely involved. We also learned we're the only family that Ariana and Bobby are considering. Furthermore, Ms. Scary told Ms. Stork that she thinks we're a "perfect match" for Ariana and Bobby in terms of openness and attitudes about adoption. She must have read our letter to them, huh?

I feel like a great big boulder was just removed from my shoulders.

Now we can relax again, at least a little. Ariana and Bobby will take the weekend to look at our materials, and sometime early next week Ms. Stork will tell us whether they want to move forward with us. Until then, at least we know we're being considered.

I'm so glad.

Still waiting (and a dash of moo juice)

Yesterday the stress of waiting to hear from Ms. Scary got to me and I totally freaked. I still haven't cried or carried on yet, but yesterday I was absolutely convinced that this Situation would fall apart at any moment. It was a v. tough day.

But today I'm hanging in there. [An aside: When you see the words "Hanging in there," don't you always think of that poster with the kitten from your 3rd grade classroom? I do.] I woke up in a vicious mood, but it's been steadily improving. Now that I know Ms. Stork will call Ms. Scary tomorrow if we don't hear from Ms. Scary today, I can be more patient. Y'all know I like to have a plan.

And also! ALSO! Last night Petunia and I bought a secondhand Medela Pump in Style from the Craigslist. And guess who got some milk droplets this morning and this afternoon? No, not Clara, though she was v. curious about the whole affair. ME! That's right, friends, just call me Bessie. I hand pumped for 26 days and got a big fat nothing, but 2 sessions with the fancy double electric pump got me several droplets. It's a start, anyway. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Holding steady

Still waiting. Petunia had a good exchange with Ms. Scary yesterday afternoon: Ms. Scary loved our photo album, and Petunia said she warmed up to us a lot after she saw it. That's good news, isn't it?

Now that the book and letter have been handed off, we're really just waiting to hear what's next. I feel a certain peace now; it's out of my hands, so all I can do is take it easy. Be kind to myself and Petunia, pet the kitties and pup, and watch a little 90210 to keep busy. Try not to obsess. You know, the usual.

I'm feeling strong right now.