Meltdown city

I'm on my way to a meltdown, friends. Since we got the call about this Situation on November 29, I've held it together. I haven't cried or carried on once, and I've put one foot in front of the other to accomplish all the things that need to be accomplished if this baby is going to become our daughter. I sorted photos, wrote captions, made endless phone calls to doctors, stuck it out with Ms. Scary, leaned on Ms. Stork, didn't go berserk on Petunia, got too little sleep, found, applied for, and signed for a loan, and waited. And waited some more. And I did some of this all by myself, since Petunia has been away since last Thursday.

Petunia is coming home tonight, and it looks like I'll be driving out to Boston to pick her up. And I'm so tired, emotionally and physically. The closer she gets to being here, the more I feel the tears well behind my eyes.

Our friends and family have been so kind and caring, which adds to the feeling of impending meltdown. I was talking with Orca recently; he said that he and Beluga bought the baby a rattle in Target. Then yesterday we received the first gifts for the baby (though of course we told folks not to shop yet!). Seeing those things and knowing that our friends picked them out just for our Hester-to-be made me want to curl up in a ball and sob. Also yesterday, my mom said that she and my dad were out looking at infant clothes. And then today one of my kids' families gave Petunia and me some holiday gifts. Last year they gave us a very generous bookstore gift certificate and some funny post-it notes, so I was expecting something in the same vein. But when I opened the first box, I pulled out a wonderful, brightly-colored infant toy. I almost lost it again. And then when I opened the second box, I saw a whole little layette: 5 onesies, 2 pajamas, and a sweet little outfit. The accompanying note read: "We hope that you will be able to use these in the new year!" That time the tears did come, but I was able to stop them before the kids noticed anything wrong.

Of course, this is a stressful time of year anyway. Hello, holidays are a wee bit nutsy. And it's made worse by the fact that today is the last full-time day for one of my kids; I've known him since he was 3 months old and he's been with me full-time since he was 10 months old. He's leaving full-time care because his mom is having her 2nd baby and will be staying home, but he'll still come here once a week in the new year. I'm so glad I'll be able to see him then, but I'll miss having him around day in and day out. I've been frantic over creating a goodbye book for him, organizing a celebration day today, and getting his portfolio together for his leave-taking. It's a very sad thing, saying goodbye to him.

Now we have the stress of not knowing what to do for Christmas. I want to go to Charlotte, but if there's any indication that Ariana will deliver over the weekend, we'll be staying here. I wish that damned agency would get back to us with the OB's info so we can make our decision.

So. To sum up: tired, weepy, excited, scared, sad, joyful. Meltdown city.