Thinking too much

I keep waiting for a call from Ms. Stork that's all, "April Fools! Sorry, suckahs!"

The phrase "too good to be true" flits through my mind a lot, too.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping like crazy that this baby girl will become our daughter. Example: This morning I applied for a loan so we can finance the adoption expenses. We were approved right away. I tried hard not to take that as a sign.

I think about the baby's parents all the time. About her brother. About what they'll tell him, about whether he understands what's happening. About whether we'll be able to know him in person rather than just in letters and photos. I'm so eager to meet him, to meet his parents. To hear what they hope for the future, which might well become our combined future.

I know a little about the family's situation, about why they made an adoption plan for their daughter. About why they're so certain they can't parent this baby. I have not yet met Ariana and Bobby, but I imagine myself in Ariana's shoes, then Bobby's and Tyler's. Their social worker says that Ariana and Bobby are completely committed to placing their baby for adoption. When I hear that, I feel grief-stricken and matter-of-fact all at once. I am learning in practice that adoption is loss, and that joy and sadness are flip sides of the same coin.