Tuesday, May 23, 2006

My nerves are really sticking out*

When I went downstairs a bit ago to call Clara into the house, I saw that our front gate was standing open. There's no telling how long it had been like that, and I didn't see Clara immediately, either. I started to panic, but I called to her from the porch. To my great relief, she ran out from the backyard and responded to my command to come in, but the possibilities swirled through my mind: What if she'd gotten out? And started to run? And I couldn't go after her because the kids are upstairs sleeping. And there's a v. busy road a block away. And she's wearing her no-bark collar, not her regular collar and tags, so even if someone caught her, they wouldn't know she's ours unless they know us. And what if she got hit by a car and I had to call a vet and I couldn't leave because I'd have to wait for the kids' parents to arrive and she bled to death and it was all my fault for letting someone open the gate and having a business that tethers me to the house and what if she died? WHAT IF SHE DIED? Even though I knew she was safe, I couldn't stop playing out alternate scenarios in my mind.

Clara's downstairs sleeping peacefully in her dog bed right now. She probably wondered about the extra treats and kisses, but she's no worse for wear. I'm still ragged around the edges, weak-kneed with relief and frantic about the could-have-beens. Now that I know she's safe, new questions are forming in my mind: Who opened the gate? Was it an accident? Was it malicious? Did one of my neighbors see what happened? Did Clara get out and come back in the time it took me to get the kids' diapers changed and put them down for their naps?

I need to take a few deep breaths.

All this comes after a night in which I dreamed I died. Yes, the night of my 29th birthday I dreamed I killed myself. And the kicker? It was a pleasant dream--ya know, a good ending to a good life and all that. It was only when I came to that I freaked out and woke up Petunia and was all, "I had a nightmare! But it was actually a good dream, but it was really a NIGHTMARE! I dreamed I killed myself. And it's my birthday! What if I die on my birthday?" And Petunia woke up enough to say, "It's not actually your birthday anymore. It's the next day. I promise, you won't die on your birthday. You told me your dream, so now I'll hold it for you and you can go back to sleep." And damn if I didn't go right back to sleep, but damn if I haven't been plagued by that dream all day.

I'm glad I'm going on vacation next week. I think I could use the break.

*With love to JPP.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Petunia said...

Oh baby, it is ok. Dreams of death are about change. Since it was about you killing yourself, it probubly was about changes you are making. And since you were ok with it, the changes are something you are ok with. I know that dreams like that are so hard to shake. But it is ok. Everything is ok, except that i am late leaving work again.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Canada said...

Oh, how scary!! Jasmine has made my heart stop on more than one occasion - once when she was a puppy, she got out when I was checking the mailbox, and took off after this guy (I think she thought it was Hubby), and a car was coming. There was me, barefoot in the snow, screaming "No! JasMINE!!!!" I think the sound of panic in my voice is what made her turn around. I'm so glad Clary B is fine - she's such a sweetie.

10:45 PM  
Blogger missscarlet said...

AJWP - how lucky are you to have a wife who can comfort you after your nightmares *and* interpret them for you! And she's right - death dreams are actually about new beginnings. That's why you felt so positive during the dream and why it was a "suicide" - you are willingly moving on, casting off old roles and personas as you confront major change. From what I've read here, you're moving on indeed - there's a baby in your future!

12:48 AM  
Blogger Hashbrown said...

Listen to Ms. Scarlet. She knows her shit and is the bomb.

8:07 AM  
Anonymous Jenny PP said...

You know I don't believe too many crazy dream interpretations but that change and death correlation is pretty substantiated. You're fine, AJWP, don't worry. I can see how it would freak you out during the day thinking about it though.

Also, how scary about Clara! Of course, my family has had 4 dogs hit by cars so unfortunately I know the other side too, not the relief that she came back but the panic that she didn't! I'm so glad she's safe and I know exactly how scared you were. Once Billy pulled Rob so fast and hard running in the park that he ripped the leash out of his hand - and then damn if he didn't take off directly for the busy road. Fortunately, some random passerby interested him and he stopped to sniff (and fortunately not bite) them, and Rob caught up and grabbed him.

I agree that you need a vacation!

10:50 AM  
Anonymous Jenny PP said...

Also I was so distracted by your stories that I forgot to say:

"It is reading period and my nerves are really sticky out. You are yelling and scream very loudly."

Also.

10:51 AM  
Blogger Clementine said...

Ha ha, Jenny!

Thanks, you guys. It was weird to wake up after such a nice dream and realize it was about SUICIDE! V. unsettling. But I think y'all are right--it was about moving on. Thanks for your reassurance.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

I was going to be all down with my bad dream-interpreting self but lo and behold everyone else beat me to it. Rats.

1:20 PM  

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