Monday, May 08, 2006

Bling bling

Dude, have you tried to buy jeans lately? Not. A. Choice. (And also not a choice: calling them "blue jeans" like I almost just did. Honestly, you'd think it's my 79th birthday instead of my 29th.)

I'm such an old lady, but I'm starting to think it's too much to ask to find a pair of plain, moderately low waisted, cheap jeans that look good on me. I tried on a gazillion pairs of jeans this weekend and I finally found one decent pair, but they had GOLD SEQUINS on the right leg. The last time I wore sequins I was 11 years old and dancing in a jazz recital, but desperate times call for desperate measures, so I bought them. I snipped off the sequins last night, but the faux embroidery beat me out. Still, they look only moderately strange now, as opposed to Solid Gold Bedazzled.

Dear Jean Makers,

For those of us trying not to be mutton dressed as lamb, it would be helpful if you offered a selection of plus size and regular size jeans without the following:

--strange faux bleach patches
--bleachy splash marks
--faux rips
--extremely low waists
--high waists
--patch pockets

Thank you for your attention this very important matter.



Anonymous Jenny PP said...

OMG hells yeah I know what you're talking about. Nevermind that most jeans cost like $85 minimum now. Not a choice at all! I only have 2 pairs right now which is so not a choice, and I only really like one of them, which is a cheap-ass pair with a too-long inseam I got at H&M but at least they fucking fit and aren't stupid-ass looking and obviously (remember, got them at H&M) didn't cost $85.

Yeah, everything is so fucking low-waisted it's ridiculous, or they're stupid "skinny jeans" ie: to be worn only by those size 1 and smaller, or they're just wacked out like those you described. I don't get it because really, I mostly see people wearing what look like normal jeans. Where are they hiding them? Such an issue.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Clementine said...

I KNOW. Since I wear jeans for work, I've had to compromise a lot on the embellishments issue. I don't like it one bit. I now own a pair with faux rips that I got from Old Navy for $6.49 (they look great except for the tears), 1 pair of Mom jeans from Savers for $7, 1 pair of formerly $120 jeans with patches from Lord & Taylor that I got for $20, and 2 pairs of normal jeans that are wearing out fast. Oh yeah, and I also have the aforementioned de-sequinned jeans. Here's my issue: if they fit my hips, they gap at my waist. That's not a good look.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Alol said...

by boy jeans...that's what i do-i started doing this 'cause the inseams is rarely long enough for my legs and there are times when i just don't want to wear 'floods' (now if that isn't an 80's word what is?) Anyways, i go to the gap, look at the men's jeans and single out the ones that most men would NEVER buy-drawstring waist etc and then I lurk regularly until they go down in price twice and then i buy----try it and don't forget to go up one size for hips but the waist shouldn't gape:)
Good luck:)

7:33 PM  
Blogger M. said...

You know what kills me about the whole ultra-low-waist thing? The freakin' "muffin top." I am 30 years old, which makes me 27 years too old or 27 years too young for a muffin top. Is that such a tall order?

And don't get me started on the mini-skirts.

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Hashbrown said...

Don't forget the hidious embroidery on the jeans of today. If I want jeans, I want some fucking blue, denim, sturdy, jeans with pockets you can put more than a T token in. I freeking hate girl pants pockets or even the lack of pockets on girl pants. Come On! What the Hell am I supposed to do with my Wallet and Keys? And my T pass? And my quarters for the meter? And my wife's lip balm because she is wearing girl pants with stupid pockets too?!?!?!

10:35 PM  
Anonymous Hashbrown said...

Hey it is AJWP's wife. What is a muffin top besides my hair when it gets too long?

10:38 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

Oh, honey. The muffin top is the sad bane of my life--when the low risers get a little too tight and all your fat goes POOF up over the top. Sigh.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

Oh, and A--have you tried Eddie Bauer? I've had good luck with them recently. Better than ON, which seemed to think that the fact I need a tall negates me being over a size 6. WTF??

11:59 PM  
Anonymous Jenny PP said...

OH MY GOD, M., you are so right. I've never heard the name muffin top for the phenom before but I knew what it was instantly.

Also, not only are we all too old for this look, everyone is either too old or too young for this look. In other words, it looks stupid on everybody. Even tiny skinny people manage to do this to themselves for some reason, which I will never understand.

Why can't there just be normal pants that fit people correctly?

9:26 AM  
Blogger missscarlet said...

AJWP, I too have searched far and wide for jeans without a whole bunch of spangles and emblems and other CAPTAIN CRUNCH CRAP all over them. It's infuriating. I have the same problem as you, too with the waist being too big if they fit my thighs. If you have hips, generally you'll have this problem. So far, I've had luck with Gap curvy fit jeans (also come in a variety of inseams, handy if you are anything but the standard leg length) - they're the only ones that fit both waist and thighs. Also, you can get the waist taken in on any old pair of jeans (Levis are plain and hold up well) by a tailor for around $10 - it's an easy alteration and you won't be able to tell they've been altered.

I hate whiskering the most. Why would anyone want to look like a windshield wiper's been at work on their crotch? No, I take that back. I hate sequins and shit like that the most. Is there even a market for this stuff? If so, we should start our own fug jean manufacturer and make a whole bunch with working Christmas lights sewn into the legs and candelabras coming out of the back pockets and we'll make a fortune. And then we can use the money to make our own normal jeans that fit and everyone will be jealous because they're stuck wearing our Liberace jeans forever.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Clementine said...

Dear Gentle Readers,

Thanks for your tips! Also, "muffin top" and "Liberace jeans"--y'all crack me up!


12:39 PM  

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