Jesus Owns Stock in Lane Bryant: An Easter Story
Nothing says "Jesus Christ is Ris'n Today" like a trip to the emergency room, eh?
Yesterday afternoon Petunia and I were cleaning out our shed and switching over our clothes (winter to summer, doncha know) when she slipped on a ball that Clary B. left on the concrete step. Petunia slipped and fell hard, her right ankle twisting underneath her body and catching on the step above. It was horrible, the kind of thing you don't even think to laugh at. I was with her in a flash, then ran into the house for ice packs, a kitchen towel, and our ibuprofen bottle. We had a scary few minutes when Petunia got shocky--she went all cool and clammy and started dry heaving from the fright and pain--but fortunately it passed quickly and I was able to drive her to the ER.
The ER folks did a good job with her and got her in and out relatively quickly--only 4 hours in all. Not a single health care professional introduced him/herself to Petunia, but other than that, it wasn't too bad an experience. Most of the waiting came from x-rays; she'd had one set taken, but the radiologist needed some different angles to be sure she didn't have a break. The official diagnosis is a bad sprain, so she's out of work for several days and giving her ankle the old RICE treatment; she's also sporting a v. fetching air cast and lovely aluminum crutches.
Here is the moral of story, according to Petunia: "Jesus wants me to rest. He doesn't want me to exercise. He said, 'I like you just the way you are. I love plus-size women!' Jesus owns stock in Lane Bryant."
Yesterday afternoon Petunia and I were cleaning out our shed and switching over our clothes (winter to summer, doncha know) when she slipped on a ball that Clary B. left on the concrete step. Petunia slipped and fell hard, her right ankle twisting underneath her body and catching on the step above. It was horrible, the kind of thing you don't even think to laugh at. I was with her in a flash, then ran into the house for ice packs, a kitchen towel, and our ibuprofen bottle. We had a scary few minutes when Petunia got shocky--she went all cool and clammy and started dry heaving from the fright and pain--but fortunately it passed quickly and I was able to drive her to the ER.
The ER folks did a good job with her and got her in and out relatively quickly--only 4 hours in all. Not a single health care professional introduced him/herself to Petunia, but other than that, it wasn't too bad an experience. Most of the waiting came from x-rays; she'd had one set taken, but the radiologist needed some different angles to be sure she didn't have a break. The official diagnosis is a bad sprain, so she's out of work for several days and giving her ankle the old RICE treatment; she's also sporting a v. fetching air cast and lovely aluminum crutches.
Here is the moral of story, according to Petunia: "Jesus wants me to rest. He doesn't want me to exercise. He said, 'I like you just the way you are. I love plus-size women!' Jesus owns stock in Lane Bryant."
posted by Clementine at 12:59 PM
5 Comments:
Also, I heart Petunia. This is the funniest fucking thing ever. It's right up there with, "Jesus wants me to steal. I mean, Jesus is glad I'm resourceful." by one Miss AJWP.
Hey Jpp
Thanks for the kind thoughts and wisdom about sprains. It really fucking sucks. (the sprain not you)
Oooh, baby! That is horrible (the sprain - bad sprains are worse than breaks - I know from experience). As to Jesus owning stock in Lane Bryant - he needs to hire better designers! Remember the hideous black ruffle-y blouse from What Not To Wear? FYI, you are great just as you are. And nice work with the first aid, AJWP!! Friendley's, and now the shed! You rock!
Ayaiai. Sprains suck. Hey, ask the Flower if she remembers when Joni broke her arm in jr. hi PE and Miss Slutty just let her roll around in agony 'cause she was sure J was faking it. It might at least make her chuckle enough to disturb her wound.
I didn't remember it until you just said it. Ms. Slutty, hahaha. I had forgotten that too.
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